At 40 years old I am fighting for my life. I feel like I’m watching my life go by from the sidelines as I keep cheering myself on. I tell myself pushing through all the bad outcomes is my only option because surely it will get better. But it hasn’t. I’m at the end of … Continue reading Watching From the Sidelines
Am I Living or Surviving?
I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been sort of on auto pilot. The Rituxan infusions unfortunately did not work. I wasn’t able to finish the series due to reactions at the infusion center. Failing another therapy is a swift reminder that I’m just one more step closer to failure. My body is failing me … Continue reading Am I Living or Surviving?
An Open Letter To My Rituxan Infusion
Often times I choose to say I’m fine. I find it helps with facing the actual truth of dealing with this whirlwind of drifting, surviving, and rising through the trauma of an illness there is no cure for. My immune system is gone. It doesn’t exist anymore. Not even in the slightest way. Monoclonal therapy … Continue reading An Open Letter To My Rituxan Infusion
No one ever told me I wasn’t going to love every minute of motherhood. Motherhood will serve you some of the toughest, most overwhelming, completely frustrating moments you can imagine. But you’ll handle them. Because that’s just what mothers do. Those are the ones we live for. Breathe them in, soak them up, and be … Continue reading Something Positive
I Was Healthy My Whole Life Until I Wasn’t
It’s been a spiraling journey downhill since January 2018. My body tells me what my limits are but my brain disagrees. I’m not ready to take life slow or have limitations. My brain doesn’t seem to be in sync with my symptoms. I hate not being able to work out for a full hour without … Continue reading I Was Healthy My Whole Life Until I Wasn’t
Bouncing Back From Something That Is Meant To Destroy You
Can we talk about how exhausting this is? •Lupus •Leukopenia •Hypovolemia •Sjrogens •Plaquenil toxicity •Reynaud’s •Osteopenia •Malabsorption syndrome •Anemia/iron deficiency caused by iron intolerance •Sialoadenitis I am not my diagnosis and my diagnosis does not define me. After everything I have been through and all the courage I seem to find within myself, I’ve been … Continue reading Bouncing Back From Something That Is Meant To Destroy You
I’m So Tired of Not Knowing What To Do
I’m over it. Sort of. Not completely. But I feel that way right now. In this moment. Over it. Yesss! I live with an autoimmune disease. Several actually. And apparently the combination of medications that are supposed to help with my symptoms can also cause cancer, among other long term issues. But if I don’t … Continue reading I’m So Tired of Not Knowing What To Do
It’s easy to crawl into a ball and cry and feel sorry for myself and resent and rage at what life has dealt me. My medications may not seem to work, and all I feel is hopelessness and defeat. My story is not the same as the next persons. I may feel like a balloon … Continue reading Ping Pong
Through the Looking Glass
My post on March 20, 2019 talked about hope and desperately needing the iron infusions to help. It did the opposite. The moment the last drop of Venofer entered my body I began to have a burning sensation all over my skin on my chest and neck area. It’s like I was looking through the … Continue reading Through the Looking Glass
It’s been a while. Too long, actually. I started round 4 of chemo injections six days ago. I’m hoping round 4 will be the magic number. I’m too exhausted to talk about illness at the moment so instead I’ll ramble on about something else that’s on my mind. Before you speak... Is it kind?Is it … Continue reading Kindness Always