I’m plagued by thoughts of mistakes in my past and uncertainty in my future. Every move I make as a mom, partner, person is gone over a million times in my head. I wonder what I’m doing right, if anything. I wonder what I could do better. I wonder why this life seems so easy for others but it’s so overwhelming for me.
I wanted to open up so many times and tell my truth. I wanted so badly to cry on your shoulder but I didn’t. I chose to stay quiet because I was afraid. I was afraid of scaring you, afraid that I couldn’t be loved whole heartedly, afraid that I wasn’t deserving of you. And maybe that’s where things got twisted; my selfish thoughts of sheltering you from me, may have caused our friendship to end. Or maybe it’s allowing you to spread your wings onto your next journey. Tonight I came home and just sat in the dark silence. I walked in and sat on the side of my bed thinking about how much I truly love you as a human and how much we’ve grown as people over the years. I am truly a better person because of you. I’m choosing to let go of this moment, as much as it kills me, because I feel like you’re a better human without me. I see how you look at me and I see how much you’re deserving of this world. Your trauma does not define you and you’re stronger than you know. You may not realize that right now, but you will. Is this what true love is, you want the other person to be happy above your own happiness? Because that’s all I want for you. I pray you find happiness and you find yourself in this chaotic and unkind world. Tonight I dedicated a song to you. I’ve never done anything like that before. Maybe it was selfish of me, but it also came from my heart. I just want you to know that at the end of the each and every single day, I want you to wake up with a smile on your face and go to bed loving yourself. Who knows what the future holds. You are deserving of so much more than what I can give. You deserve the world. You deserve the universe, A. Who knows if we will ever see each other again, but one thing I do know, our story does not end with tears. You were my best friend in life and that means something to me, forever.
I’ve seen the frustration with this world for being so terrifying, but also with myself for allowing it to limit me so much. I was scared. There was so much uncertainty. Life doesn’t stop for a second. It won’t hang on, or slow down, or pause. Did I do the right thing? Did I burn a bridge? All of these questions sit in my soul and burn deeper and deeper until it consumes me sometimes, like tonight. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and I certainly don’t want to ruin a relationship that once meant so much to me. It’s not about who’s fault it is. It’s about moving forward and changing the things you can control. I feel like I lost a best friend. I did lose a best friend. Whether it be my life partner or just someone to talk to, you’re gone. I have to believe you are going to be happy and will be in a place that brings you serenity and peace, because otherwise, it will eat me up thinking I ruined a good thing. You are deserving of so much more than what I have to offer right now, and you will find that. I pray you know that you left more than footprints on my heart, A.
Today is hard. Tomorrow will be better. ♥️