435 Days After My Diagnosis

So here I am. My first infusion. I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness and anxiety. The sadness comes from acceptance of my illness. The anxiety comes from not having my sisters here. I thought I could do this on my own. I watch TV and see people do their chemo infusions and iron infusions alone. Let me tell you it’s nothing like what you see on TV. It’s cold and quieter. It’s bare and scary. It’s terrifying. It’s almost as scary as when the Dr looked me in the eye and told me I had an illness with no cure. I have this AMAZING group of friends who I call family. They’re my crew. I love them each dearly. I’m scared to death to tell them that I’m sick. I’m afraid they will feel sorry for me even though I know better. I know they care and would do anything to help, I think this comes from a place of being so overwhelmingly independent that I’m stubborn. Maybe one day I will tell them. I’m sitting here fighting back the tears, not because I can’t imagine this is the life I’m faced with, but because I don’t have my best friends here with me. I’m a big girl and I’ve done all of this glorious life alone. I’ve always been superwoman. Today I am not. Today I need one of my sisters to tell me that I’m not alone because honest to god this reality check was unexpected and while I know I’m not alone in my battle, it’s still really hard to sit here alone in this chair with this infusion being my best friend at the moment. The nurses are so sweet though. I’m 5 minutes into this infusion journey and still have another hour and 25 minutes to go. It’s harder than I expected. I know these infusions will help but the three rounds of chemo did not help and the optimistic Sarah is playing ping pong with the pessimistic Sarah over whether or not iron is going to save the day. It’s amazing how dangerously low an individuals levels can get before they plumpish into needing transfusions. I remember my fight with HELLP Syndrome and the blood transfusions saved my life. So my bets are all in on these iron transfusions. I pray these infusions work. It will take a few weeks to see a difference and I’m looking forward to good news!

#HeresToVenofer ✌🏻

#ChemoFail

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