This week has been hard. Tonight has been hard. I am a mom of one. I am someone who is happy, full of life, spontaneous and loves making memories. I love to make people laugh even though it’s usually at my expense. I like this person. I miss this person. You see, recently I have been infected with a terminal illness and this person I once was has been hard to find. Often times I refer to my illness as feeling trapped inside my own body. Every day it takes work, hard work, to live life as my mind feels tortured with obsessive fearful thoughts of not seeing my child graduate high school, not being there when he kisses his bride, not being able to hold my grandchild. Surviving my illness is not just a matter of will but a matter of desire. I need to be here for these monumental moments. Not just for me, but for him.
I wish I was writing this on the other side of it all, but I sit here gripped by this beast inside of me that is suffocating the life out of my lungs. I put on a happy face as often as I can. And I’m usually happy…. until I’m reminded of my disease, which is almost 6,832 times a day. I come back for a second as I write. I recognize myself in my writing and I breathe… “ah, I’m still in here somewhere”, I think to myself. Sometimes I think maybe it’s better to manage the symptoms without the medication. Chemo is literally killing me slowly. That’s the best way I can describe how it makes me feel.
If you are on this same journey, I’m sorry. I am sorry that this pain is a part of your life story. It’s so hard, isn’t it? I can’t fix this for you. I can’t write up some magical formula that is going to make this all go away, but I can write to tell you that you are not alone.
Until next time.
Xo — S