So here I am. My first infusion. I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness and anxiety. The sadness comes from acceptance of my illness. The anxiety comes from not having my sisters here. I thought I could do this on my own. I watch TV and see people do their chemo infusions and iron infusions … Continue reading 435 Days After My Diagnosis

I’m plagued by thoughts of mistakes in my past and uncertainty in my future. Every move I make as a mom, partner, person is gone over a million times in my head. I wonder what I’m doing right, if anything. I wonder what I could do better. I wonder why this life seems so easy … Continue reading Venting From the Heart

January 9, 2018 was a day that I will never forget. This was the day that changed my life as I knew it. That day left me asking, “Why me?”. While I knew who I was when I walked into the doctors office, I wasn’t sure who I was when I walked out. Ultimately I … Continue reading One Year Anniversary

Those are the hands that seemed so tiny at first but continued to grow stronger each day as he learned to tie his shoes, zip his jacket, color in the lines, swing a bat, and throw a ball. Those are the hands that constantly tugged on my pant leg, tapped me on the back because … Continue reading Those Hands

I know time passes slowly when you are waiting for that procedure to be over. When you are waiting for even a glimpse of good news. When the results haven’t come back yet and you are holding your breath for just one good thing. The days are long. The nurses are in and out, the … Continue reading You’re Not Alone

Being properly unwell is life changing. It seems obvious, but it’s not. I spent at least 12 months post—diagnosis in denial, assuming the whole thing was happening to someone else. As a result, I failed to look after myself properly; and by this I mean I tried to work, live, love and generally operate as … Continue reading The Perfect Storm

I was diagnosed with Lupus 327 days ago. 326 days ago was the last time I fell asleep without worrying about death on my doorstep. 326 days ago was the last time I kissed my son goodbye and didn’t feel guilty. 326 days ago I didn’t have to hide my face from the sun. 327 … Continue reading 327 Days Ago

Tonight I feel broken, weary, chewed up, spit out and cracked up into pieces that are just trying to hang on with fingernails and a prayer. Does it get better? Sometimes the words don’t even make sense. Something is said so often that it starts to jumble altogether into something different, unrecognizable. And yet, I … Continue reading Saving my Spoon & Skipping Chemo

Dear Jessi, Tonight you and your diagnosis are on my heart to the point where sleep will be near impossible. Although I know we’re fighting two different kinds of illnesses, finding out about someone else’s crappy health news has a unique way of initiating a PTSD-kind of anxiety as I try to remember what was most helpful … Continue reading Dear Jessi

I see you. You are not alone. I see you showing up every day. I see you struggling out of your bed every morning, exhausted beyond belief. I see you tossing and turning all night long, trying to find a comfortable position that doesn’t hurt. I see you when you realize that doesn’t exist. I … Continue reading I See You